Movement
8 Dec

❗ TW: Body image

Read more I made it to the gym 5 times this week! I feel great. Creating a healthy relationship with exercise is something I've struggled with all my life. I was an unathletic and uncoordinated kid, constantly afraid of embarrassing myself in gym class — through my clumsiness, slowness, being blamed for my team losing, etc. At one point my mom signed me up for rhythmic gymnastics, which definitely helped me gain poise and balance, but I dreaded going — it was a little toxic in the way that dance and exercise programs aimed at young girls so often are, planting the seeds for body image issues that stick with you for years. I begged my mom to let me quit in high school and never took up any sports after that. In my 20s, going to the gym was a hell I forced myself to endure, the inner tape of my mind playing and replaying messages of self-hatred to make myself go faster, push harder, do more. Obviously, this was unsustainable. I was exhausted and angry with myself.

I realized recently that physical activity is something I need to develop a relationship with; it's not optional. Earlier this year I went to a few sessions of a physical therapy called structural integration. The practitioner explained that my life's "little aches and pains" is my body's way of telling me it's itching to be active. We evolved as endurance runners who hunted their prey by literally tiring it out. Of course my body starts to hurt and I start to feel depressed when I don't move. Going outside and moving your body actually makes you happy, who woulda thunk it.

This time, I'm not overdoing it at the gym. I walk there, stretch, then use the elliptical for 30-40 mins. If I have time, I'll do some arm exercises or floor exercises that I actually like. And I'm always watching something funny, so I can trick my brain into liking the gym by smiling/laughing, woman-alone-eating-salad-meme style. I also try to save all of the videos I want to watch for the gym.

My ego used to make me feel like I could get away with being a person who hated exercise forever, but at the end of the day my brain is just a silly little monkey's that can be tricked into happiness if you fill up all of my little green "need" bars.

Independence
2 Nov

Read more Had a great week. I work near a beautiful branch of the NYPL and finally read my first H. P. Lovecraft novel, just in time for Halloween: The Dunwich Horror. It did not disappoint. I was concerned that something written almost 100 years ago wouldn't prove that scary, but I relished every paragraph. I also checked out an audiobook of Your Mind Is a Terrible Thing, a title I'd been meaning to read for a while. I never listen to audiobooks, but it was the only format the library had available. I really enjoyed listening to it, but the second half fell a little bit flat for me. Regardless, spending Halloween engaging with scary books was so fulfilling. That night, I felt so creatively inspired that I ended up decorating my work ID and Airpods case with stickers. Since moving into my new place about two months ago, I've barely cracked open my stationery collection, so I was practically euphoric when I discovered the urge to peruse through sticker sheets and other stationery I've lovingly collected over the years.

The weather has been unseasonably warm — glossing over the unsettling environmental implications of that — which has been really pleasant. I've hit almost 10,000 steps daily since moving here, and I take Bruno to the local dog park almost every day. I'm really finding my independent flow away from my partner in this new setting, which has been a struggle. He's such a place of comfort for me, and in an unfamiliar setting I've found myself exhibiting codependent tendencies while he's away at his office, like wasting away on the couch and resisting the urge to step outside of my comfort zone. I've regained a lot of my independence this last week after talking through it with my therapist. She recommended me this book which illuminated a lot of my behaviors for me.

I can't believe it's November already!

Ups & downs
27 Oct

Read more I got a tattoo of my late cat, Gus, yesterday. I commissioned one of my favorite illustrators to draw it, and my favorite local tattoo artist (who's now done three out of four of my tattoos) to ink it. Brodie came along for the adventure, and we had such a nice time — it felt like hanging out with a friend. We talked about Pokémon, Animal Crossing, BG3, and more of our common interests. Chu is such a delight and the result is always perfect. This is my first new tattoo in about two or three years, and I'm definitely getting the itch again 🥴.

Once my new tattoo heals, I'm going to start taking my physical health goals more seriously. Because I want to feel better, more at home in my body, and lighter. I don't want to feel short of breath or tired all the time, and that comes with making exercise a regular part of my routine. Because avoiding going to the gym isn't what I want to do; it's just the familiar feeling of resistance that's holding me back, making excuses for me. I always feel better when I make healthy choices, and feeling good is what I actually want — not staying home and feeling bad about myself and letting toxic thoughts overtake me. If anyone happens to be reading this and resonates with what I'm saying, I recommend this book on the subject of resistance: the self-sabotaging behavior that keeps us away from our goals and makes us feel like we don't actually want to achieve them. But the truth is, we all do want to inherently improve our lives. The voice that's telling you you don't is the familiar voice of resistance, because it's easier to remain inert than be momentarily uncomfortable in pursuit of our goals.

Gaining momentum
19 Oct

Read more I just got back from seeing XG in concert! I went alone but got to meet other fans and didn't feel anxious or intimidated at all. I went to soundcheck, got fun freebies and paid merch, and had a great seat pretty close to the stage. This was my first time going to a K-Pop-adjacent concert without being on any social media, which was an interesting experience. I don't think I've talked about this since my site redesign, but I used to be pretty dopamine dependent on social media and have been really enjoying the last 3ish years of my life without Instagram or Twitter. I feel way more connected to reality this way. No regrets, and it was cool to be able to just share my website and email with the people I met tonight.

Warming up, cooling down
12 Oct

Read more I can't believe it's already October! In many ways, my favorite month, but so fleeting. I've been getting into the spooky mindset with some really good new (to me) horror authors. I read Laird Barron's The Imago Sequence which you can read IN FULL online at that link (!) and enjoyed it a lot. But throughout the whole thing, I found myself comparing it to Thomas Ligotti's Teatro Grottesco, the collection of short stories I read just before. It's so haunting and still stuck in my head — and dare I say, better? Generally, I don't like comparing two separate works of art like that, but there's a human tendency to relate things you've consumed recently. Anyway, after finishing Barron, I went back to an older collection of short stories by Ligotti called Songs of a Dead Dreamer and Grimscribe, which piqued my interest since it's been reprinted as a Penguin Classic. It's no Teatro, but it's great in its own right. If anyone else is a fan of weird, Lovecraftian lit and you're reading this, let me know what I should read next! (I need to actually just read Lovecraft, though... which I haven't yet 🫣) Other media consumption plans for the month include rewatching Over The Garden Wall — one of my favorites — which I own on DVD. I also want to see The Substance with my friends in theaters sometime soon. I really love seeing a horror flick in theaters, but only a couple of my friends actually feel the same way, and coordinating plans as an adult is so hard! We'll get there. The apartment is really coming together, too. I just signed up for a gym membership in my new neighborhood and I want to start going back. My energy has dipped significantly since stopping. I really need it for the motivation it gives me throughout the day. I'm at the age where I can no longer ignore my body's need for physical activity, and unfortunately, walking everywhere just isn't enough. I know I'll get back on track, but starting is always the hardest.

A contained chaos
7 Sep

Read more Moving has been very draining and stressful, but also rewarding. Late last night I was confronted with some of the rough-around-the-edges parts of my new apartment and felt like I'd never be able to get them truly cleaned. But this morning I feel much more optimistic. I've already tried several yummy vegan places nearby, and there's a nail art boutique salon on my block I want to go to, too. I'd say we've unpacked about 70% (conservative estimate) with just a few boxes to go. At that point I'll do a deep clean to my heart's content. The bathroom feels like a sanctuary. It's really only the kitchen that made me feel squeamish, but that's more owed to my cleanliness obession than any objective grossness. Bruno has been barking at the new apartment noises, but gets more used to it each day. I've been taking breaks to read Teatro Grottesco, a collection of horror gothic short stories that are each so delectably bite-sized, yet terrifying. The author does such an amazing job of writing esoteric prose that feels like an actually comprehensible stream of consciousness — even in the moments describing impossible phenomena, I find that I can glean all the creepy details without needing to closely read each passage. In other words, it's scary in a way that's both esoteric yet easy to understand because it's narrated in a clear way that's not too surreal, despite the surreal subject matter. My favorite story so far has been the self-titled one, "Teatro Grottesco," describing a transient troupe of psychic villains that exclusively terrorize artists with horrible visions, eventually stripping them of their artistic abilities and ultimately their humanity. (It's really good, I promise.) If you're into horror gothic, I highly recommend it.

A needed respite
1 Sep

Read more Just got back from a weekend trip to see Mitski and Alvvays in concert. A dream lineup that coincided with me & my partner's five-year anniversary! Obviously booked many months ago, because we're also moving the day after tomorrow! Made sure I was mostly packed before we headed out. I feel so giddy whenever I get to visit a train station and use different forms of public transport; it's so exciting to me. I just think transitory spaces like that are so cool and interesting. As someone who doesn't drive and has lived in one place all my life, I treasure getting to experience the grander scale of things; how you can have breakfast in one state and end the day in another, and the whole process is (more often than not) totally seamless. The concert was amazing; our seats were so close. Closer than I've been to the stage for a Mitski show in a long time. Off to the side, just a couple of rows back. And the size of the venue was impressive. There's an ampitheatre structure and a huge lawn even further back, with the whole venue set in a larger park. A hybrid indoor-outdoor vibe, but our seats were pretty much covered from the elements. Then the concert, which was everything I'd hoped it would be. Brodie had never seen Mitski live; it's been harder to get tickets the longer I've been a fan, so I usually go solo — something I really enjoy doing, like going to the movies alone. But obviously sharing in this transcendent performance on the fifth anniversary of our first date was incredibly special. During the remainder of the two days we spent away, we enjoyed really tasty local vegan food and treats, and even managed to go bowling. They had arcade versions of Mario Kart, which is always such a treat. I'm so much better in the kart seat than the console version; it's just so much more intuitive. Now that we're home, we have another day to pack up any remaining odds and ends before the move. A really special weekend. ♡

A new chapter
17 Aug

Read more I'm moving to the city! For all non-New Yorkers, we from the outer boroughs & the tristate area collectively refer to Manhattan as "the city." I'm moving from a one-bedroom to a two-bedroom, although the rooms are smaller on average. I'll also have less counter space, less cabinet space, and fewer closets. Some may wonder why I would choose less space on average, and it's kind of hard to justify unless you have ever lived in NYC. There's something about stepping out into the city where life is happening all around you. It's an indescribable feeling I'm willing to make sacrifices for. It's the feeling of sonder — feeling infinitesimally small, but also cherished by the universe. Right now, I live in a quiet, sleepy neighborhood in the outer boroughs, and I can't wait to be able to step outside and feel the rush of city life all around me. I'll get to walk Bruno along the river at the golden hour. I'll get to have more frequent, shorter outings instead of planning an entire day around the time-consuming commute in & out of the city. This is a dream I've had since I was really young, when my mom would drive us out to the city every weekend to visit the Met or see a play, ballet, or opera. I knew that someday I'd want to live where life was truly happening. In two weeks, it'll be my reality.

It's funny, reading this back — because despite everything I've said, I still very much consider myself an introvert. I think it's because the anonymity that exists in big cities like this is actually a great comfort. You can go outside and still focus entirely on your inner world, while everyone else does the same. That might sound self-absorbed to some, but there's also an implicit agreement in there to mutually respect each others' lives, even as complete strangers. That's one of the things I love most about living here.

A new hobby
19 July

Read more I started a diamond painting last Friday and managed to finish it by Monday. I've already bought my next one. I remember doing one when I was younger and losing interest. This time I'm totally engrossed. It's almost thrilling! Update: I got my next one in the mail and it's comically large. I'm afraid it'll look tacky if I display it. I'm disappointed in myself for underestimating the dimensions online.

The garden is live
11 July

Read more I just started a new job, so the last couple of weeks have been a (wonderful) whirlwind. But I'm finally happy enough with my new theme to start writing. Hydrangeas are in full bloom and I want to immortalize the feeling I get when I walk by a brilliant blue or purple cluster. I'm thinking about getting a tattoo to do just that (maybe on side/back of calf). It's swelteringly hot these days but by sunset there's a gentle breeze that's a delight to walk around in. My goal for the rest of the summer is more reading outside, more eating outside, and developing a nice, consistent cadence of going to the gym.

A fresh start
30 June

Read more Introducing my shiny new layout. Please be patient while I surface all my content!